


i know you

by fated_addiction



Category: K-pop, Korean Actor RPF, Real Person Fiction, SM Entertainment | SMTown, So Nyuh Shi Dae | Girls' Generation, 소녀시대 | Girls' Generation | SNSD
Genre: Angst, F/F, Lowercase, Romance, lapslock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-17
Updated: 2016-02-17
Packaged: 2018-05-21 04:44:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6038595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fated_addiction/pseuds/fated_addiction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>then jessica's instagram photo happens.</i> famous last words, right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	i know you

**Author's Note:**

> More lowercase shenanigans. Because it's fun.

-

 

 

 

the week taeyeon gets banned (she doesn't know why - but she so didn't do it) from social media (''for like a month," tiffany pats her head in amusement, "you'll get through it -") there is mass grouping of idols that get tied into the weirdest of scandals. someone starts dating a doctor. because _that's_ a scandal. there is a girl group member that is dating someone yg. which isn't really a scandal. because yg is like your cool best friend's equally cool parents who let you date, but you gotta do your work or else. and anyways, you're fine unless you're trying to date a member of exo. apparently that's a death wish and a lot of regret. she has no shame in saying it. it's still bizarre and taeyeon is a little jealous because she is so bad at scandals, even worse at dating, her fingers slip too much when she attempts to be suave at social media. which is probably why she really got banned.

then jessica's instagram photo happens.

 

 

 

 

 

"i am going to get a tattoo," jessica told her once, drunk, smiles and in the middle of their karaoke song, back when they hung out together and it was just then. "seriously," she said, grins, and then points to the back of her neck. "just right there."

so monday night, in the airport, after her member group message explodes and tiffany goes OH. MY. GOD. JESSICA. and taeyeon naturally tries to wait but panics, thinking it's nothing more than her cutting her hair. which would totally make her panic too.

it's not. it's so not.

there are four million hits on a photo of the back of jessica's neck, her fingers looped into loose strands of her hair, which spills against the back of her hands in bright curls. it's a coffee shop she sits in. the lighting is right. she can't remember why she knows that white, industrial space. it looks like a coffee shop sooyoung would haunt alone.

but taeyeon's eyes are cheaters, searching back to the back of jessica's neck, to how long and pale her skin sinks into the collar of her blouse. it's not a cross. it's not even a compass. instead, there are a series of lines, one east, another west, tilting in each direction with unfinished arrow heads. it's beautiful. it's very jessica. simple, too much meaning. and taeyeon kind of wants to touch it. like a lot.

tiffany calls her. her flight in japan is delayed.

"yeah?" she answers.

"you're not answering the group message," tiffany accuses. "did you see it?"

taeyeon swallows. "i did." she fumbles with her headphones, plugging them in and adjusting the call so she can stare at the picture. again. "four million hits," she says too. the most recent is something like eonni is so cool!<3\. "i wonder if it hurt."

"you should ask her," tiffany says dryly. she pauses. "she sent yuri flowers for her graduation."

"good," taeyeon murmurs. nothing about that surprises her. for yuri, jessica has always been an unspoken part of her life; you create your space, she had said to taeyeon when she had ask if the rumor was true, if yuri was talking to jessica again. "did we?" she jokes weakly.

tiffany ignores her. "do you think the tattoo's real then?"

it takes awhile for taeyeon to respond. a flight update breaks on the speaker. she pauses to sip her coffee and listen.

"taeyeonie?"

then she sighs. her response is simple: "it's jessica."

 

 

 

 

 

four million hits lords itself over her head. when it's really not even about that. she reads an article in the paper about jessica's post-girls' generation career (she monitors) and how the company has officially started to call it a graduation (they have a hard time with this one) which just help the obsession she has with calling jessica a stranger now.

because she's not - a stranger. in fact, taeyeon has read every article she has talked about the group, feeding on comments like "i don't regret any of it though -" and "... i've willing exposed my faults..." because each phrase ended up feeling like a selfish reassurance for her and the other girls. which she hates.

then she finds out the name of the coffee shop. from sooyoung. predictably so.

"you're going to stalk her," she says. doesn't judge. sooyoung usually tells you when she's judging you.

taeyeon shakes her head. "i need a quiet space." she makes an excuse about need a change of scenery for writing songs. "that's all."

"okay," sooyoung says, texts her the address of the coffee shop - destination, apparently. named after some sort of hypothetical trip the owner wanted to take. 

it's anti-climatic anyway. she sort of suspects that the girls were figuring she'd try and use this as an in to talk to jessica. not that going to get coffee is an in to talking to jessica. she doesn't even know if she's there. or if this is a chance that she is supposed to take because the universe thinks she is just as predictable as everyone thinks she is too.

but she takes a cab there. folds a notebook into her jacket. forgets a pen and realizes when she's in line, stumbling through a latte and then asking the barista to borrow a pen for a few hours. all the while, quietly avoiding the fact that her phone is still opened to instagram and jessica's feed, right on that picture of the tattoo. she even liked it.

she tries not to think about it. finds a table at the end of the shop, a long wooden table by the window. she waits for her latte, then sits, and opens her notebook to the middle, fingering through a couple of pages. you have a song due, she tells herself. then sighs.

"you know -"

she freezes. looking up, jessica slides in across from her. she's not smiling. taeyeon's stomach sinks and her mouth hangs open too.

"oh yeah." jessica blinks, then jerks her hand back to somewhere behind her. "you're in my neighborhood," she greets. "and my offices are across the street." her hair is pulled up and taeyeon's throat dries. "what are you doing here?" jessica finishes, simply.

"coffee," taeyeon says weakly.

jessica arches an eyebrow. "coffee," she repeats.

"sooyoung-ah recommended it," taeyeon adds. "and i needed a place to write," she says too. which is not a lie. well, maybe a little.

"thought you were in japan though." jessica's voice is a little dry. taeyeon blinks. "google alerts," jessica quips.

taeyeon swallows. since they're confessing. "heard you bought a place in china," she says. "congratulations on that..."

"i'm renting." jessica shrugs. "and it's in hong kong. it keeps the business expenses smaller. makes traveling feel less like traveling i guess."

and for anyone expecting a reunion, this may be the world's most boring reunion. no one in the coffee shop is noticing that taeyeon is _that_ taeyeon or jessica is definitely THAT jessica. (although the barista blushes when jessica gets up to grab coffee.) so it's weird for taeyeon to sort of have to face everything head on with no job realities to hide behind at all.

she eyes jessica though. swallows again. her cheeks flush and she plays with the pen in front of her, spinning it between her fingers.

"you look good," she says awkwardly. like super awkwardly. she stumbles into biting her lip and then clarifies: "not that you don't look bad," she adds. but jessica isn't an ex-girlfriend.

she's an ex-something else. and that seems a lot worse at the moment.

"i look tired," jessica corrects. her bangs are pushed to the side by her fingers. taeyeon watches with interest as she reaches for the back of her neck, rubbing slightly. 

"so you got a tattoo?"

the words come out of her mouth without stopping and it's stupid, so stupid, oh _god_ kim taeyeon what are you thinking - all of this slams into her head, her gaze falling into her coffee because if she looks at jessica she's probably going to be embarrassing by saying something else.

but jessica laughs. the sound softens the lines of taeyeon's mouth and her worry sort of disappears, lingering in the back of her head.

"yeah." jessica shrugs when taeyeon looks up. her mouth curls. "i got a tattoo." jessica leans in, reaches, then tugs at a few strands of hair. her eyes are bright. "want to see it?" she teases huskily. "since you came all the way to this side of town, to my coffee shop -"

"not your coffee shop," she mumbles.

jessica snorts. "might as well be. i basically live here." her chin rests in her hand and her fingers still sort of linger near taeyeon's face. her thumb flicks against her chin. "i always knew you'd be a weirdo if we started talking again," she comments. "you'd sort of appear with a reason to see me and be insanely awkward about it."

taeyeon feels caught. her face is red.

"i hate you," she mumbles.

and jessica is right. of course.

 

 

 

 

 

they end up at her office.

jessica gets a call. she picks up taeyeon's notebook and stands too. taeyeon sort of follows. no questions asked. they hide behind sunglasses and make the trek to the buildings across the street. it just seemed like the right thing to do, following jessica. it's a piece of her life that is so mundane: jessica explains to the doorman that taeyeon is a guest, her call on mute, then resumes said call before the elevator and it becomes a lot of small space.

taeyeon stands awkwardly to the side. she stares at them in the reflection of the elevator doors. then stops and turns to lean against the wall. her eyes move to jessica. in the low light, taeyeon spots the combination of unfinished arrowheads and lines that stretch against jessica's neck, her eyes widening when she sees that two circles have been added to the mix. jessica mostly wears her hair down. it won't be a problem, she thinks too. old habits.

the elevator opens and jessica puts her phone away.

"there's no one here," jessica offers, opening the studio door. then leaves taeyeon to follow her down a long, narrow hallway.

"this isn't what i imagined."

it's an honest answer that sort of falls. picture this: jessica's studio is both warm and bright. after the narrow hallway, the space opens into a giant, industrial space with white brick walls and a cluster of windows. there are cuts of fabric. notes in a corner. a television box leans against the wall next to a leather jacket. it feels like the space is still growing up.

taeyeon tucks her notebook into her pocket. "sorry," she corrects, rubbing the back of her neck. "it's very you -" jessica raises an eyebrow and taeyeon doesn't know what to do because nothing she says feels like it's right and they're not talking about them, or the past, or anything else. that makes her nervous. "it's bright," taeyeon amends. "it's clean - i don't know. i guess i just don't know you anymore."

"you don't." jessica moves to sit on a stool. her gaze is unreadable. she sighs. "you never asked me about any of this." her hand waves around the room. she's wry too. "you just kind of decided that it was a hobby."

taeyeon sighs. "you never offered to talk about it with me either. had i known -"

"things would have been different?" jessica quips. she shrugs. "probably not." taeyeon's eyes move to her mouth. "life is weird like that. and i'm happier. sort of."

taeyeon face falls. all those moments that she imagined, surfaces. reunions, you know. where you watch someone from a distance and think, if only and _but_ ; they all always ended up with a kiss, or a confession, and maybe she's written too many love songs. maybe she's loved love for too long.

taeyeon is not simple. her brain spins a mile a minute, is chaos with her feelings, and sorting through these things is never ending. it's always been like that. she hates it.

"happier," she repeats, looking away.

jessica snorts. "don't take it that way. i didn't mean it." she rubs her eyes, leaning onto her knees. "i don't regret my time as a member," she explains. "in fact, i never said that i did. i may regret how things happened, but -"

taeyeon's heart crawls into her throat. she is painfully aware of standing now. her knees feel ready to sweep forward and buckle.

"look." jessica is standing. she moves to her and grabs her hand without asking. "what happened happened. there's a lot that i need to come to terms with... and you guys do too. but -" jessica searches her gaze and the knots in taeyeon's stomach begin to surge and tighten. "i don't regret you guys." her voice softens. "i didn't reject any of you."

"it felt like it," taeyeon mumbles. her voice cracks and she looks down.

"you're ridiculous." jessica has always been older than all of them. probably the better leader. something that taeyeon wonder would have made all this different. jessica shakes her head. "all you jumped to conclusions -"

"can you blame us," taeyeon interrupts. "one minute things are fine and a meeting to tell you to slow down and take care of yourself became a meeting about how we were holding you back. how you wanted to be free for a little bit. of course we all took this personally -"

jessica's fingers pull at her hand. taeyeon leans in and can barely think as she forces her to sit in the stool next to hers.

"i had to be an adult for a little while," she manages. jessica's voice softens. "you can't come back from that."

"but you can get a tattoo."

jessica bursts out, laughing. her head falls back and her hair sweeps over her shoulders. taeyeon stares at her. she's bewildered.

"i could kiss you, kim taeyeon," jessica says, delighted. for whatever reason. "because that was the pettiest thing i've heard you say in the longest time. and it's kind of cute. i think." she squints, fighting another laugh. "except when your face gets all scrunched up like that. then i feel a little guilty."

taeyeon knows she's teasing her. knows that she's bright red and hates herself for responding to the sound of her laugh.

she only stays for an hour. taeyeon has to change the subject because she can't. at all. but the sound of jessica's laugh is imprinted at her, even as she lets go of her hand, even as she makes an excuse for the studio, even though she saves the office address in her phone.

she remembers that she has feelings.

 

 

 

 

 

tiffany stares at her. her expression is dubious at best.

"so you didn't see it?" she shoves a bottle of wine into taeyeon's hand. and then another one. "her tattoo," she says.

they are buying liquor for their stylist's birthday. sooyoung is footing the bill from new york because it's her turn. taeyeon is glad she's just with tiffany though. she doesn't know how to talk about any of this.

"i didn't," she manages, groping the bottles into her arms. "i mean i did, but i didn't touch it or anything. or ask her. i was busy freaking out that we were talking and that i saw the inside of her office, that i was seeing her exist as jessica and really didn't know how to handle it -"

tiffany sighs. "so you were kind of an idiot."

"i think that's putting it nicely."

"a big idiot," tiffany adds.

"you're rubbing it in," taeyeon grumbles, even though she feels like an idiot all over again. she rubs her eyes, trying not to drop the wine. "that's not fair."

"well," tiffany grabs another bottle. "i mean, i can't say that i wouldn't do anything that you didn't. actually i can. but - what i mean is that you have a history just sort of shoving things to the side." tiffany doesn't say the words _how you date_ but taeyeon winces anyway. "you have to remember that jessica doesn't talk to anyone easily too."

"i _know_ ," she protests. "i don't know what else to say to her." she pushes at her bangs. "i see her and i -"

"lose it?"

"yeah," taeyeon echoes. she groans. " _yeah_."

tiffany pats her on the head. she doesn't say anything else. taeyeon doesn't blame her. she's been sort of obsessing- okay, not sort of, but it's the only thing that's keeping her focused. which is terrible because she is supposed to be writing a song.

they don't say anything else to each other. they walk back to the car in the parking garage and taeyeon is sort of lingering from behind, trying her best to carry the bags of wine that tiffany shoved at her.

"so," tiffany asks, in the car, "when are you going back?"

 

 

 

 

 

it's not her best moment.

in a laundry list of moments, actually. she can count all of them in the last couple of years. but that's not important. it happens that she gets worked up easily. that hasn't changed; she's just been really good at hiding it.

"maybe you're just mad that you weren't talking to her first," tiffany points out, quietly, on their way back from china. china makes her think of jessica and that's really which offsets her entire of plan of... well, there once was a plan.

she does insist on being the last to be dropped off. ignores their manager when he drives her into the neighborhood, knowing full well that he probably has an idea of why she's here because all her girls have a BIG mouth. she stumbles into thanking him anyway, says she'll take a cab back to the door.

and then runs into the building. like an idiot.

she sort of storms into the office, late at night, intent on just laying all her feelings out there because this is about closure! and moving past things! (at least that's what she told the company when some blogger released a photo of her and jessica walking out of the coffee shop) and of course, there's her favorite: this isn't something she wants to do on her deathbed.

of course, she blurts this out to jessica too.

"um," jessica blinks, watching taeyeon from behind her desk. her fingers and hands are buried against a sketchbook. she's wearing glasses too. which taeyeon doesn't remember her having. "wait," jessica says. then she's suspicious. "you're going to stop talking to me again until we're old ladies?"

taeyeon blinks back. she's frazzled. her hands slide through her hair. then she shuffles forward. she doesn't say anything; can't. if she says something, it's going to come out like nonsense again and she's really bothered by the fact that she sort of fell into this, willingly even, and everybody knows that she sort of sought jessica out. but she's passive aggressive.

"you are," jessica agrees.

taeyeon swallows. "shut up." she moves to the table, her hands dropping over jessica's. the heels of her palms press hard. " _shut up_ ," she says again and kind of just does it, without warning, press her mouth into jessica's. she won't call it a kiss. it isn't.

but it is.

it's a kiss because jessica sort of sighs, back, unexpectedly, and her mouth is opening into hers and she's kissing her back. jessica's mouth is hot and wet, softer than it should be, molds and lets taeyeon's mouth take the lead. this is a selfish kiss; she wants jessica to fight that. instead, all she gets are these soft sounds, sticky against her mouth, creating an ache that crawls into her body to stay.

taeyeon pieces together every reason why this is terrible, so terrible, that the sensation of jessica's mouth is too soft, too warm, and makes her ache like she's lost her mind. she feels like every reason for her coming here is more than just a lie, it's a complicated lie, and she's only been telling herself that because she's afraid. she's always been afraid of standing alone.

"yah," jessica's voice is soft. she trembles a little. then clips taeyeon's jaw gently. "if you wanted to see it," she says, "you just had to ask - not kiss me."

"but i wanted to kiss you," taeyeon says dumbly and jessica smiles, really smiles, and it seems so bright and painful that taeyeon feels like she's going to burst. again. "seriously," she adds.

jessica shakes her head. she closes her sketchbook and it's only then that taeyeon notes the colors, the jewel tones and the lines, a mess of ideas that seem bright and new and shy. she watches as jessica pushes the notebook aside and then grabs a jacket.

"let's talk."

she offers her hand and taeyeon takes it. doesn't think about it. just does.

"we probably should," she manages.

they were never the easiest with each other anyway. taeyeon lets herself follow jessica first.

 

 

 

 

 

the food stand is by the park.

taeyeon never really realized there was a small park in this area. it's pretty during the day, someone says as they pass. the path is lit by huge lamps, which shake against the wind too. it isn't until the reach the end of the path that they see the stand, and jessica picks up the pace, grabbing taeyeon by the elbow. she smiles at the old man that runs it and jessica waves, asks about his kids, and then tells him that soojungie is coming back from japan soon - we'll have dinner soon, ahjussi.

they pick the table furtherest away from view. the sky is a little surreal, park lights and stars, an empty bottle of soju left behind on the top of their table, and jessica, leather jacket and flushed cheeks since it's cold, making herself at home across from her.

"should we order?"

jessica waves her hand. "we're getting my usual," she says. "you'll like it."

there are knots in taeyeon's stomach.

"sure," she says, "okay."

jessica nods, smiling. she looks off the side. they watch a couple pass them, drunk and giggling into each other.

"you know," jessica starts. then sighs. "i didn't think this is how it was going to happen."

"i still haven't seen your tattoo," taeyeon jokes weakly. 

jessica even laughs. "you will," she sort of promises. then she turns her gaze to taeyeon. "but let's talk about -" she waves her hand between them, "this, i guess."

"sure."

jessica is quiet. she seems to be choosing her words careful. then: "screw it," she murmurs. she rubs her eyes a little. "can you just stop punishing me? for making a real decision?"

"i'm not punishing you -"

"yes you are." jessica touches her mouth and taeyeon follows her fingers. "and yes, i was just as bad as all of you too. but... like - we were all going to grow up and be people, taeyeon. and make mistakes. and try and do things that are best for us."

taeyeon looks away, swallowing. "i know."

"no," jessica says firmly. "you don't." she leans across the table, touching her hand. "because had it been the reverse, had you gone solo and left the group and i had stayed, no one would have been mad at you for doing the best that you could for you - sure, okay. it would have been hard. i would have probably been just as pissed at you. but i just -"

and somewhere, there, she realizes what jessica is trying to say, or trying to avoid saying, if anything, because that is just like them. to hope that assumption is right: they still know what each other is thinking.

"i want a lot of things right now," she says slowly. her voice cracks. "i want to smack you. i want to hate you. i want to tell you i'm sorry. i want to strangle you and kiss you and be so many things for you right now." her vision blurs and she's trembling too. "i can't _think_ with you around and it's hard not to want these things and then look at you and realize that i could have had all these things had i just not... had i -" she breathes, trying to talk, "had i just stopped you from leaving. had i just picked up the phone and called. it's the worst, knowing that i could do so many things to make this not happen -" her voice cracks again and she leans forward, her hand sweeping into the table and nearly knocking over her beer. jessica catches it. "but i can't take that back, i don't know how to - i wish saying i'm sorry fixed it."

she can't handle jessica's expression when she meets her gaze. the softness of her mouth is almost too much. 

"you had two years," jessica murmurs. "you had the day off -"

"i know."

jessica looks away again.

"believe me," taeyeon says too. "i know." her mouth dries. "but," she murmurs, "i can tell you that i miss you." she amends herself. "i want to tell you that i miss you."

they're quiet when the old man brings their food. jessica was right: it's fried squid, beer, and a bunch of other things that she shouldn't be eating but that she loves, like really loves, and makes her feel like a kid again. 

the silence makes her think of the last time, the real last time that the two of them had a meal that happened somewhere between promotions for mr. mr. and a trip to japan. it's not as awkward. there's no sense of an omen. and she isn't desperately waiting for tiffany and hyoyeon and sooyoung to arrive because she can't, like, deal with any of her feelings.

it's hard, remembering that period. they were talking. they weren't talking. taeyeon was ready to tell herself that it was just going to be like this now; it's a strange way of seeing your own feelings manifest though, how loving someone makes you hate them, how making yourself hate them makes you guilty, how making yourself feel guilty makes you hide everything else. this is why she is good at writing songs.

"so can i see it," she half asks, blurts really, and jessica laughs in the middle of drinking her beer. she pauses too, then shrugs and lifts her hair, pushing the collar of her jacket down as she turns and faces her back to taeyeon.

and there, there it is.

it's much smaller in person. maybe because it's actually real and she's not freaking out about it, but taking the time to see it. she's just better at words; the lines and half arrows could mean a million things, the thin circles could mean a lot more. she thinks of directions and angles and finding herself and themselves and hates that she's sort of taking on a meaning that doesn't belong to her. but in the middle of that, she's reaching forward and touching the back of jessica's neck, sliding her thumb down each line as she shifts onto her knees on her seat, if only to reach a little closer.

"it's beautiful," she says. her voice catches. "how like you and not like you." she clears her throat. "i thought tattoos were hyoyeon's things."

"and hyuna's," jessica laughs. her voice echoes and then she turns her head, meeting taeyeon's gaze. taeyeon's fingers don't leave the back of jessica's neck and sort of sink into her hair, pulling through the strands.

"but you're jessica." taeyeon feels a little lame. she manages to smile. a little too. "it feels like jessica more than anything else."

"good," jessica says.

taeyeon nods. then pauses. her fingers slide away from jessica's hair. "can we," she starts, then stops, "can we figure this out -"

"you want to kiss me again?" jessica teases.

taeyeon doesn't avoid it. "yes." her mouth curls and shrugs. "that hasn't changed. like ever."

a pretty blush hits jessica's face.

"oh?"

"one thing at a time, you know." taeyeon smirks a little too. "i have to have some surprises too."

jessica shakes her head and flicks taeyeon's nose and somehow, if anything, it becomes apparent that things are going to move on. slowly, knowing jessica's temper. slowly, knowing taeyeon's reluctance to share anything about herself with the people she loves too. but that's okay, she thinks. that's a step.

"can i?" she asks.

"eventually," jessica laughs a little. 

"sooner rather than later?"

jessica hits her arm and she laughs.

they don't press further. the older man says something about weddings and love being in the air which, if anything, is cute and silly and really strange. they order another beer. jessica leaves briefly to go to the convenience store to get ramen for them to split. she won't set a pace on this, she decides. 

and that's okay.

 

 

 

 

 

later they walk back to jessica's office. taeyeon left her notebook somewhere - maybe it fell out, maybe she threw it somewhere. the only thing she remembers is kissing jessica.

it doesn't even matter because they make it across the crosswalk and there is a photographer waiting for them. jessica spots him first, squeezes taeyeon, and well, okay, she thinks, and leans in, deliberately leans in, and plants a kiss against jessica's jaw.

not the most sensational thing ever, but there's something romantic to leaning into her, letting her weight rest against jessica, and her mouth just lingers over her skin and taeyeon has more butterflies in her stomach than anything else. her hand is shaking too.

"you're going to get in trouble," jessica's voice is hushed, shaking with laugher.

taeyeon feels a little braver. "probably," she agrees. "but i have to start making it up to you, i guess."

and that's the photo, right there, jessica's sudden, mysterious smile. it's a little forgiving, just tinged with it, actually, and their photo makes blogs an hour later - fast enough for taeyeon's phone to start blowing up and another social media ban to take place.

it feels a little like love.

 

 

 

 

 

(she makes that picture her phone screen background.

it's like a first date. no regrets, she tells tiffany.)


End file.
